|
MISC. JOKES
What's green and smells of pork? Kermit's finger.
What's the difference between paraffin and petrol? There are two 'fs' in paraffin and no F-in petrol.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his arse
Yo' mama so ugly that when she threw a boomerang, it didn't come back!
Yo mama is so fat that I run around her for exercise.
What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast cereal?
Frosted Flakes.
How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With a North Pole-aroid camera.
What is red and white and goes up and down and up and down?
Santa Claus stuck in an elevator.
Why is Santa a good race car driver?
Because he's always in the pole position.
Who carries all of Santa's books?
His books elf. (book shelf)
What's red and green and guides Santa's sleigh?
Rudolph the red-nosed pickle.
Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?
So he can Ho-Ho-Ho.
What's red and white and red and white and red and white?
Santa Claus rolling down a hill.
What does Santa Claus use when he goes skiing?
A North Pole.
Santa Claus is a jolly fellow! Imagine all that
driving and still being able to say, "Ho! Ho! Ho!"
---------------------------------------------------
THINGS TO DO IN A LIFT:
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
One word: Flatulence!
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occassionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
---------------------------------------------------
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good of man.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
BILL CLINTON : I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.
L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.
--------------------------------------------------
TOP 13 BIGGEST LIES:
13. The check is in the mail.
12. You get this one, I'll pay next time.
11. You look great.
10. Of course I love you.
9. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
8. ...but we can still be good friends.
7. She means nothing to me.
6. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
5. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
4. I'll call you later.
3. I've never done anything like this before.
2. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
1. I DO.
---------------------------------------------------
THE WORLD IS POPULATED BY IDIOTS:
1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) bills.
2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
--------------------------------------------------
WRITING ON A PACKET OF CRISPS:
Win a free 5 star holiday! No purchace nescessary! See inside for details.
--------------------------------------------------
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest player in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war.
--------------------------------------------------
SADDAM'S BODY DOUBLES:
"The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, 'I have some good news and some bad news.' They ask for the good news first.
"Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs.'
"'And the bad news?' they ask.
"Aziz replies, 'He's lost an arm.'"
---------------------------------------------------
IDIOT SIGHTINGS
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and added, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "down sizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
---------------------------------------------------
THE SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD
At about 3:00, a plane took off for New York. On the plane there was a pilot, a boy scout, a priest, and the smartest man in the world.
All of a sudden the engine blows up and the plane starts going down. The people are startled and start looking for the parachutes. They find them but there are only 3 parachutes.
The pilot takes one and says 'This is my plane so I get a parachute.' and then jumps out the door.
The smartest man in the world grabs one and says, 'I'm the smartest man in the world and the they will need me down there' and then jumps out the door.
The priest goes and grabs the last parachute and says, 'I need to spread my wisdom around the world. Sorry kid.'
Then the boy scout all the sudden speaks up and says, 'No...That's okay. The smartest man in the world just took my nap sack!'
---------------------------------------------------
SUICIDE:
There were three builders on top of a building. An Englishman called John, a Scotsman called Willie and an Irishman called Paddy. They all had their own sandwitches. The Englishman had Cheese, the Scotsman had Haggis and the Irishman had Egg. They all hated them. The Englishman said, "If I get Cheese sandwitches again i'll jump off this building." Then, the Scotsman said, "If I get haggis sandwitches again i'll jump off this building." Then, the Irishman said "If I get Egg sandwitches again i'll jump off this building." The next day, the all got the same sandwitches, and, they all jumped off the building. They all died. At the funeral, John and Willie's family were crying. Strangely, Paddy's family werent. Willie's mam went up to Paddy's and asked why she wasn't crying. Paddy's mam replied, "Well, what wonders me is, Paddy made his own sandwitches!"
---------------------------------------------------
MAGIC BEER:
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,
"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"
---------------------------------------------------
6 MONTHS TO LIVE:
The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The doctor suggested that he should get his 'house in order' , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
'What will you do for the last six months?' asked the doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, 'I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law'.
Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked, 'Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your mother-in-law?'
'Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!'
---------------------------------------------------
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES (read it out loud)
That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man...
Dum Gai
Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?
Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu
---------------------------------------------------
DRINKERS ALPHABET:
A- Alcohol: The key to surviving High school
B- Beer: It's what's for dinner...and breakfast and lunch
C- Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after last night's party
D- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
E- Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
F- Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
G- Games: Anything that involves cards, stripping and chugging beers
H- Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
I- Idiot: What you look like after doing a lap dance on fat kid (after just three beers)
J- Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home at 5 am
K- Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L- Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
M- Money: That which you no longer have due to two dollar draft nite at the bar
N- Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know...again
O- Oh sh*t!- What you say as you're falling down the stairs
P- Piss: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer
Q- Quit: What you promise to do after spending the nite in jail with Bertha the Bearded Transvestite
R- Reform: What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet
S- Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk... aww yea
T- Twenty-one: Usually the age where you reach your peak of drinking
U- Underage: Most of the drinking population in town
V- Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello
W- Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of the porcelin god
X- X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it (detox)
Y- Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
Z- Zima: Zomething Different....Zomething Fun :)
|
|
|
BLONDE JOKES
A blonde is driving along the M1 when she sees another blonde sitting in the middle of a field rowing a boat. She leans out the window and yells, `It`s blondes like you who give us all a bad name. If I could swim I`d go out there and beat the crap out of you!`
A copper stops a blonde for speeding and asks to see her license. She replies in a huff, `I wish you guys could get your act together. Yesterday you take away my license and today you expect me to show it to you.`
Three blondes are stranded on an island. A genie appears and offers each one a wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, her hair turns brown and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. Instantly, her hair turns black and she builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in first class. The stewardess asks her to move `cos she doesn`t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, `I`m blonde, I`m smart and I`m staying in first class until we reach Ibiza.` The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave. Again she replies, `I`m blonde, I`m smart and I`m staying in first class until we reach Ibiza.` Desperate, the stewardesses get the co-pilot. He whispers something in her ear and she immediately gets up and moves. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said. He replies, `I told her the front half of the airplane wasn`t going to Ibiza.`
What do you call a blonde with pig tails? A blow job with handles.
A blonde goes to the hairdresser`s wearing a set of headphones. The stylist asks her to remove them. The blonde replies, `I can`t or I`ll die.` So the stylist does the best she can cutting around the earphones. Two months later the same thing happens. But this time, while she`s waiting, the blonde falls asleep in the chair. The stylist gently removes the earphones and goes to work while the blonde sleeps. When she`s finished, she puts the headphones back on and tries to wake the blonde only to find she has in fact died. Amazed, the stylist picks up the earphones, puts them on and hears a voice saying, `Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out!`
What do blondes use as protection during sex? A bus shelter
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What do a screen door and a blonde have in common? The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it.... Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?" Blonde: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!" Blonde: "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on." At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts. Cop: "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful." Blonde: "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".
SHORT BLONDE JOKES
------------------
Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.
Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.
Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.
Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!
Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.
Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme
Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!
Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.
Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized
Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom
Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!
Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes
Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.
Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.
Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.
Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
A. Brain tumor.
Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.
Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....
Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"
Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL
Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.
Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.
Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A. Not everyone has been in a 747.
Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.
Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.
Q. What do blondes and cow poop have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!
Q. What does a blonde say when you ask her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
A. Play ball!
Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.
Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.
Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.
Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...
Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends
Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up
Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A. A blow job with handlebars
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.
Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.
Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!
Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.
Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Buy her another beer.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: How does a blond spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O
Q: How does a blond kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row
Q: Why are blondes like pianos?
A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A1: "All the blondes have gone home!"
A2: Has that blonde gone yet?
A3: When is that blond bitch going to leave!?
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: What is the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
A: Elvis has been sighted.
Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping card?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?
A: Divorced.
Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q. What do you call 12 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes.
Q. What did the blonde say to the doctor when she found out she was pregnant?
A. Is it mine?
Q. What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.
Q. What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.
Q. What do blondes & screen doors have in common?
A. The more you bang them the looser they get.
Q. Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A. They don't know the route.
Q. How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eyes?
A. Put a flashlight in her ear.
Q. What do blondes & computers have in common?
A. You never appreciate either one until they go down on you.
Q. Why do blondes use whiteout on their computer screen?
A. They couldn't find an eraser.
Q. How did the blonde break her leg playing hocky with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A. She fell out of a tree.
Q. What do blondes & turtles have in common?
A. Put them on their backs & their both screwed.
Q. What's the mating call of a blonde?
A. I' getting so drunk.
Q. How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A. 8-- 1 to bake them & 7 to peel the M&M's.
Q. Why do blondes get tilt steering?
A. It give them more head room.
Q. What do blondes say after sex?
A. Who are you guys?
-------------------------------------------------
There was three blondes stranded on a island far, far away. They saw a magic bottle floating on the water. They retrieved it and they went ahead and rubbed it, a genie came out and said " thank you very much lady's". the genie said, just for that I will grant you all one wish and one wish only, so all three blondes were happy.
The first blonde said I want to be rich and have a big mansion with a big swimming pool," poof", she was gone having a good time.
The second blonde said, I want to be a millionaire and own a plane with a cute husband to take care of me and travel the world, ' poof", she was of with her husband having a good time.
Then the third blonde was so sad. And the genie asked, "what is wrong?", the blonde said, you know what I wish, "I wish my friends were back here with me", and "poof", there they are, back together again.
|
